I named my son after a werewolf (and other woes of the personalized book)

Finding the right name for your children is an involved process.  Did you see the Pregnant in Heels episode (not that I watch, of course) where the couple used a think tank, a focus group, AND a dinner party to judge reaction to baby names?  And then chose the name they liked (Bowen) even though no one in any of those groups liked it?  I loved that—baby names are personal…that’s why no one tells until the baby is born.  Once the name is on a kid, no one can insult it…until that kid goes to school, that is.

For us, we thought about how the name sounded, what it meant, and where it came from.  We definitely wanted a family name.  Children, after all, are about as Darwinian as it gets, and in ensuring the continuation of my genes, it was important to me to honor those who carried these genes in previous lifetimes.

As soon as we learned we were having a boy, I got out the family trees.  I typed every male name into a document and we narrowed it down to a list of the final four names—-and then kept changing those every few weeks.

When we decided, it seemed obvious.  We liked the sound of the name, Jacob.  We liked the symmetry of the ancestry—Jacob was a great grandfather to my husband and my older son was named after a great grandfather to me.  Most importantly, we liked the idea of honoring this person, and this person’s family, by giving his name to a new member of our family.

The name hadn’t been on our top lists for the simple reason that it was so high up on the nation’s list.  I had really wanted something more unique.  But we decided to go with the name we thought was right for us, and if he had a few friends named after the Biblical character, well, that would be okay.

But here’s the thing: my dad called recently to say that he read an article that said Jacob was a popular recent name, not because of grandparents, Bibles, or Torahs, but because of Twilight.  Because of the Native American werewolf.  My husband is now threatening to tell everyone that we named our son after Taylor Lautner.

Werewolf or no, Jacob is our little Jacob and when I say his name I think about my grandmother-in-law and the father she once had.  And I’m so glad that in some small way, he lives again.

Which brings me, rather long-windedly, to a personalized book that I will read to teach Jacob his name.  The wonderful folks at Marblespark gave me a free copy of their books (with my son’s name!) so that I could see their work and share it with you.  I’m excited to do that here.

Title: Following Featherbottom
Author: Philip Haussler
Illustrator: Brad Sneed
Genre: Personalized Picture Book
Age: 0 – 7

Summary and Review:

This book makes a great baby gift.  Each page adds another letter of the name, which spells itself out at the bottom of the pages as you read the book.  With each letter is an illustration of animals on an adventure in a different part of the world (that starts with that letter).  For example, the J in Jacob gives us this page: “A stop in Japan offers jillions of J’s. / Just watch out for jellyfish in all of its bays.”  Or the C gives you “Next we need a C so Cairo’s where we’ll stop / And listen as the camels go clippity-clop-clop.”  As you read the story, you travel the world picking up the letters to spell your child’s name.  The illustrations are my favorite part–they are beautiful with soft colors and a great sense of humor.

One of the cool things about creating this book online is that not only are you personalizing each page by the letters in your baby’s name, but you have choices for each letter.  For example, if there is a C in the name, you can choose Cairo or Chile, among others.  As you create the book online, it shows you the page, tells you what the other options are and if they are used already elsewhere in the book and lets you decide the trip your child will take to pick up his letters around the world.

Adding a middle name is an extra few dollars, and when they gave me the code, they actually recommended that I not do so because it lengthens the book so much.  This is true, and we ended up with a pretty long book, but I’m not really reading this only as a story; I’m reading this so he can see the wonder of his name, and I wanted all of that to be there.

Follow-up with the kids:

If you read this blog at all, you know that I like books that encourage kids to interact with them.  Not only does this book encourage your child to think about his name and learn the spelling, watching the name appear across the bottom of the page, but it introduces letters in other ways as well.  Each illustration contains items that start with the corresponding letter, which are written next to the picture.  You and your child can search for the items, practicing out loud how to say them, emphasizing the sound of the first letter, which they will all have in common.  Check it out at marblespark.com.

While you are there, check out their community-built picture book project, a public book written by the masses that raises funds for charity at http://www.marblespark.com/blog/openbook.

The little alphabet book that could, (“A is for salad”)

Is there anything more annoying than an alphabet book?  I mean, yes, Q is for Quail and Queen.  And yes, I get that xylophone starts with an X.  Sure, some books manage to do things a little differently.  I would have never learned about Umbrella birds or Question-mark butterflies without a two-year-old and an increasing pile of alphabet books.  But I find most of them abhorrent and would issue this advice to anyone planning to write a new alphabet book: it’s not so much about the P’s and Q’s as it is about the X’s and Q’s.  figure out what you are going to do with those letters first, and if you don’t have a truly great idea that really fits with what you are doing, write a different kind of book.

But with this book, someone came along with a really good idea.  “A is for Salad”.  I loved it before I even opened it.

Title: A is for Salad
Author/Illustrator: Mike Lester
Genre: Picture Book, Alphabet Book (Yes, I think alphabet books are a genre all to themselves!)
Age: 2 – 6, but really best for those who are pretty good with their letters and ready for a fun new challenging way to practice them

Summary and Review:

I was SO excited about this book!  It does exactly what I want my picture books to do–draws my child into to the text and makes him respond out loud!

In this beautifully conceived book, each letter of the alphabet seems to stand for something it doesn’t.  A is for salad, B is for viking, C is for hot dog.  But then you look closer.  This is a book you have to interact with!  (Yea!)  The picture is of an alligator eating a salad.  And a beaver dressed up as a viking.  It’s brilliant.  My three year-old loved it.  He loved saying “WHAT?!” with an incredulous expression on his face after I read each one.  And then he would respond with enthusiasm (and much drama–we are three, after all).  “NO, A is not for SALAD,” he would say as if that were the funniest, most ridiculous thing in the world.  “A is for ALLIGATOR!!!”  And so on and so forth throughout the whole book.  It was truly awesome.  I’m always saying that you have to get your kids interacting with their books, and this one does it for you.  It’s a really fun read, and gets kids to think about the letters instead of passively listen to them be recited.

My only quibble with the book is the illustrations.  Because of the way they are drawn, some of the animals are tricky to guess.  Since the whole point is for the kid to say the name of the animal, I would rather if it was a little more clear.  But no matter, and after one reading they will get it anyway.

You will love this one and your kids will love interacting with it.

The wheels on the book get lost all over the house, all over the house, all over the house

This book is falling apart.  Which paradoxically means that it’s of the highest quality.  Because in a house with an active 3-year-old, nothing of low quality gets played with enough to fall apart.  But this book?  My son has literally loved it to death.  (It’s own death, not his, although I would say that it’s not totally destroyed yet, just on it’s way to a well-deserved rest home…)  This book has been read at bedtime and in the car.  It accompanies my son around the house when he wheels his toy bus on his hands and knees.  It’s even used as a reference book–when he sings the song and plays his banjo, or his drums, or his piano, or his accordion (we are big into the toy instruments here), he dutifully checks the book between each verse to see what’s next.  God forbid we sing the song in the wrong order…

It’s even been peed on.  (Notice that I only give book advice, not potty-training advice.)

Title: The Wheels on the Bus
Adapted and Illustrated by: Paul O. Zelinsky
Genre: Picture Book
Age: Toddlers and Preschoolers

Summary and Review:

The pictures in this book are vibrant and interesting.  After probably hundreds of reads, I’m still not tired of looking at them.  Each page has something tangible for the kids too–wheels to turn, doors and windows to open and close, etc.  I don’t love books with moving parts in general because I find them hard to maneuver and they don’t usually stand up to a curious toddler.  However, this is one of the longer-lasting ones, and definitely the most played with.  If it weren’t for a short temper tantrum a few months ago, we’d still have both wheels attached to the book.  🙂  I highly recommend this interactive version of the popular song!

Follow-up with the kids:

Music is the best follow-up with this book.  You can read it to your toddler and then sing it the next time.  You can have him practice moving the pieces at the same time as the song lyrics and get a sense of the rhythm as he does so.

Also, there is a lot going on in the pictures that isn’t in the text.  I love it when an illustrator makes a book even more interesting!  There’s a whole story to be told with the boy with the box of cats.  Why does he have them?  When does he lose one of the cats and when and how does he get it back?

Another example of this is when the song talks about the windows open and closing, notice the weather and how it changes over the few pages before and after.  Asking your child to notice these illustrated “subplots” helps hone their observation skills, which helps not only with reading comprehension but also is an early science skill.

Also, the book is animated in a wonderful DVD by Scholastic that also comes with some other great animated picture books.  We don’t do a lot of TV, but this is something I really recommend.  I found it here on Scholastic’s site as part of a travel pack, but I’m sure it’s also elsewhere online: http://store.scholastic.com/1/1/4054-scholastic-storybook-treasures-sing-along-travel-kit-the-wheels-the-bus-dvd.html.

Hope you enjoy it as much as we have in our family!

It takes a village to deliver a child…

Blogging about villages, childbirth, and the future of the world at Nashville Parent.  Come visit me over there!  In other news, there are a few giveaways coming up, so look out for those!

There’s smart, there’s “Beyond Smart”, and then there’s my mother-in-law

When I tell people about this book, or about the author’s columns in ParentMap (a Pacific Northwest Parenting Magazine), or about the author’s appearance on TV, and then I mention that the author is my mother-in-law, they often ask me the same question, and with the same inflection.  It goes like this:

“Really? That’s so neat!” pause “So, what’s it like to have a mother-in-law who is a parenting expert?” smirk

Every time.  First, they are impressed.  Then, they think about their own mother-in-laws and aren’t sure if they would want those opinions backed by the title “parenting expert”.  But it’s not like that.  I have the good fortune to have a mom-in-law who is capable of having different opinions about how kids are raised without beating me over the head with them, even as she watches me ruin her grandchild in various different ways.  But really, most of the time we agree.

Although, I do often reply that part of me wishes her columns could save some space for the daughter-in-law’s rebuttal…I mean, I’m living with the final product, you know?  And no, he doesn’t know how to make the bed.

Title: Beyond Smart
Author: Linda Morgan
Genre: Parenting

Summary and Review:

Here’s my pet peeve about a lot of parenting books (not this one).  They are written by PhDs with something to say, usually one thing that’s very specific.  These people are used to writing long dissertations on a single subject and they seem to think that that’s the kind of thing everyone wants to read. But they are wrong.  Most of the parenting books I pick up should be parenting chapters.  They are one idea and you can get most of the information from skimming the back cover, and by the time you are done with the intro chapter, you’ve learned 90% of what you are going to learn, but then you dutifully slog through another 200 pages of evidence, personal stories, and sidebars, all of which, you realize when you get to the end (or much sooner if you are paying any attention), is the same as what you learned in the intro chapter.  There are some parenting books out there where I really don’t think you need to read much more than the title.  Things like “saying no” or “setting limits” are right there in the title and you’ve learned most of what you are going to learn and you haven’t even flipped it over to read the back.

Which brings me to this book.  This book is not written by a PhD with a dissertation on her mind.  It’s written by an experienced, award-winning journalist with access to PhDs and the talent to translate what they are saying down to a few pages that you actually want to read.  It’s not a book you are done with in the introduction–the introduction just whets your appetite for the diverse and meaningful middle parts.  The book is about how parents can make a difference in their child’s learning, and it takes a really broad approach to this.  We’re not just talking raising grades here.  We’re talking emotional intelligence, temperament, brainpower, risk-taking, and a heck of a lot more.

Also, the book includes Q and A’s with really famous experts in a variety of fields: Alice Waters talks about teaching your kids about food, giving even more insight to a chapter on preparing lunches and breakfasts as part of being ready for kindergarten.  Wendy Mogel, PhD, (I’ve already blogged on one of her books here) talks about dealing with failures and the dangers of over-coddling in a chapter about dealing with a wide variety of school issues, including failure.  Michael Thompson, PhD, (I’ve blogged on one of his books, too) talks about the differences between boys and girls in a chapter on social issues.  And there’s a lot more–both chapter-wise and expert-wise.

Other topics included in this book are developing a parenting plan and becoming your child’s emotional coach from birth, dealing with the child-centered toddler years, advocating for your child during the school years, keeping up with math and science, writing, and public speaking, and getting the most out of a summer vacation.

I loved this book because it covers a wide variety of topics, it’s short and sweet, and it gives you a wide variety of opinions, not just one.  If you find yourself really interested in one of the topics, or one of the expert’s opinions, you can always go and find another book on that topic.  But this is a phenomenal place to start and a great reference.  It’s easy to pick up and look at after you’ve read it, to refresh on a few ideas because it’s well-organized and topic-centered.  Covering areas of development from birth through high school and issues including emotion, academics, food, and family, this is a must-have parenting book!

And really, bed-making aside, she did a good job with the one I’m married to, so that’s saying something…I always like to check bios on parenting books to see if the author has any kids.  I am VERY suspicious of taking advice from someone who doesn’t…

Can I borrow your Frindle?

I picked up this book one night when I went to bed and didn’t turn out the lights until the last page.  A really fun read.  It’s easy to see why the “frindle”, both in the sense of the word as used in the book and the book itself, was so popular.

Title: Frindle
Author: Andrew Clements
Genre: Fiction
Age: Late elementary, Early Middle School

Summary and Review:

This is a really fun read with a great main character, a wonderful teacher, and an inspiring group of kids to round it out.  When 6th grader Nick Allen challenges the infamous English teacher on the importance of a dictionary, he begins a revolution like he never imagined.  Suddenly, his idea to call a pen a “frindle” has classroom-wide and then school-wide and then nation-wide(!) consequences.  It’s a great story about the power of an idea, the power of passionate kids, and the power of a great teacher.

Follow-up with the kids:

Nick Allen had a lot of ideas–what are your kids’?  Find out!!  Kids so often are thought of as dreamers, but when they reach a certain age (way too young in my opinion) they cease to believe that their ideas can make a difference.  See if you can unleash your child’s hidden dreams and find a way to propel them to action.  Who knows?  Maybe they’ll get their name in the dictionary, too.

LOL funny

I’m sitting at the side of the YMCA pool watching my 2-year-old, who has just learned what “natural consequence” means by goofing off instead of listening to his instructor and falling in the pool.  I watched him struggle under the water for a few seconds while smiling an “I’m-sorry-and-this-will-teach-him-and-did-you-know-I-used-to-be-a-teacher-and-I-feel-your-pain” kind of smile at the instructor, who is running down to the shallow end, dragging another one of his students with him, to rescue my son.

It’s not that I enjoyed watching him suffer, per se, but the teacher clearly had it under control, and frankly, it served my son right.  Maybe tonight he’d listen to me when it was time to put on the PJs.  (That was yesterday, actually, and last night, and I can tell you the lesson didn’t trascend activities, but he was, at least, more compliant for the remainder of the lesson.)

At any rate, there I am, nine months pregnant and completely uncomfortable.  I’m sitting in this chair and wish I could just be floating in a hot tub.  My baby is kicking like crazy and my belly is sticking out the bottom of my shirt because none of my pregnancy shirts fit me anymore but I’m not about to buy more when the kid could come out any day now.  And it’s not like a stretch-marked pregnant belly is anything pretty to look at.

So I’m trying to fade into the background, but this is hard because the book I am trying to read is hysterically funny.  I mean laugh-out-loud funny, and I don’t usually laugh out loud at even the funniest of books.  But I can’t help it–I’m trying to hold it in and I’m not.  And I wonder if I should save the book for home where I can roll on the floor in private, but that would mean putting it down which I’m not willing to do.  So I just sit there, a bloated, uncomfortable blob laughing hysterically–and way too loudly–at my own risk.

I found this book because it was recommended by a fellow Goodreads reader.  And I am so glad I did.  It’s a debut novel, which makes it all the better!

Title: A Crooked Kind of Perfect
Author: Linda Urban
Genre: Fiction
Age: Middle School and Upper Elementary; I think many YA readers would like it, too

Summary and Review:

Zoe is going to be a famous piano player when she grows up.  She’s going to play in Carnegie Hall.  The only thing standing between her and this goal–and she considers it a minor thing–is that she doesn’t have a piano and has never taken a lesson, practiced, or played one.  But Zoe is a spunky, wonderful character and these facts are not going to bring her down.  One day, however, her family decides to invest in a used piano for Zoe and sends her dad to the mall.

Now, Zoe’s dad is another wonderful character.  Usually, Middle Grade and Young Adult books that have a “different” or “special needs” character have those traits in one of the kids.  But in this book, it is Zoe’s dad who is a special needs adult.  He spends most of his time–no, all of his time–in his living room studying mail-order courses and accumulating what can only be described as useless degrees. He often has to drive Zoe around town when her mom is working and they inevitably get lost, having to call Marty at the auto shop, who enjoys the challenge of trying to figure out where they are and get them home.

Zoe’s dad doesn’t like being around people, noises, or the busy-ness of everyday life and when he gets to the mall to buy the piano, he is immediately overwhelmed.  He ends up in the grips of an organ salesman and comes home with an organ–the Perfectone D60, faux wood finish and all.  Zoe is NOT impressed, but true to her good spirit, she begins her free lessons which came with the organ.

The book, told from Zoe’s wonderful perspective and great sense of humor, follows Zoe at home and at school, through the trials of learning an instrument, hanging out with her family, being ditched by her best friend (a girl who lives in the “East Eastside” as opposed to just the “Eastside” where Zoe’s modest house resides), and many other adventures of school, home, and music.

You will absolutely fall in love with Zoe, with her dad, and with the school bully she starts to get to know.  This is a wonderful story, with wonderful heart.  And I dare you not to laugh out loud.

Follow Up With The Kids

If you are a mom reading this with your daughter, I think there is a lot of things you can talk about.  Enjoy the book and the conversations it can bring.  This is a honest look at middle school life and the chance to talk about some of these things through the lens of a character rather than the real life kids your daughter knows will make the conversation all the more safe, and usually because of this, all the more meaningful.  Here are some questions to consider:

Zoe’s dad’s issues prevent her from doing a lot of things other kids might be able to do…how does she learn to deal with that?  Many kids would not be so tolerant…what makes her so?

What was it like at her former best friend’s surprise party?  Has your daughter ever been in a situation like that and on which side?  What does she think about this?  Do your daughter and her friends have an equivalent of a “brat” t-shirt? (This takes it away from the comfort of the character-driven conversation and not every kid will be agreeable to that.  If you think yours won’t be, stick to the conversation about the party in the book.  Chances are, she will still be talking from her own experiences.  That is, after all, how we read a book.)

What motivates Wheeler to keep coming over to Zoe’s house and study and bake with her dad?  What do you think his life is like at home and how is it different from the persona he plays at school?

Roar of the Tiger Mom

I’m not a Chinese mom.  Not in the ethnic sense, the nationality sense, or even the metaphorical sense, which is how Amy Chua means it when she uses the title in her much talked about, much debated, much loved, and much hated new memoir.  After reading a scathing review of the book, I decided I had to check it out.  My favorite result of my online research were the reviews at Amazon.  The book was averaging about 3 stars.  That sounds mediocre, until you looked at the distribution.  About 40% of the reviews were 5-star reviews and 40% were 1-star, and there were a few people in the middle.  I love controversy!  I ordered it immediately.

And let me say, I loved it.

Title: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
Author: Amy Chua
Genre: Parenting

Summary and Review:

This is a great book that has been violently derided in the press. Most of the people who have derided this book online fall into one of two categories.  (1) They have not read the book but are drawing their hatred from excerpts they’ve seen, their own blatant or denied racism, and their secret fear that their own kids aren’t going to be concert pianists when they grow up.  (2) OR they have read the book but completely missed the deadpan humor, the obvious self-mockery and tendency toward hyperbole, and they also secretly fear that their own kids aren’t going to be concert pianists when they grow up.

Here’s my take: this book is a wonderful read from a variety of standpoints.  First, it is a GREAT memoir.  And I completely agree with the NYT article on the plummeting quality of the memoir (Julie and Julia, anyone?)  But this falls into one of the small percentages of memoirs out there with value.  Why?  For the following reasons:

1) It is extremely well-written.  Maybe too well-written, in fact, for her own good, as it seems to have gone over some people’s heads.  (Although one can argue that the ensuing controversy has done her good.)  It is VERY dry, VERY deadpan humor, and if you just take it at its face value, you are completely missing the point and likely to hate both it and the writer.  If you read it as such, though, you will laugh and cry your way through the whole book.

2) It takes a slice of her life and shows the broader cultural implications of her own actions and decisions.  This isn’t just about Ms. Chua; it’s about American immigrant families and the challenges they face trying to follow their own values in a different place.  In fact, Chua happily talks about herself as if she were the mascot and quintessential example of a Chinese mother (despite the sleepover that was allowed and despite the dogs—oh, the dogs).  It’s also about the America into which she moves and the values it espouses, or doesn’t espouse, as the case may be.

3) It discusses the broader implications of our parenting decisions, with honest, funny, sad, and very relatable stories about trying to do what’s best for your kids.

American parents are VERY much into raising self-confident kids.  They do so (and I should probably say “we” do so) by plying our kids with compliments, from the moment they can blurt out a simple sound to the first test they bring home, even if it’s a C-.  Ms. Chua (and by assumption, the Chinese mother) doesn’t do that.  A C- would be seen as a complete failure, and she would have no problem telling her kids that.  And she makes the very convincing case that SHE is the one increasing self-confidence—after all, she is the one telling her kids that she knows they can do better.  To shake their hand for a C- would imply that they are capable of no better and THAT, she believes hurts self-confidence.  And after hours and hours of parent-supervised studying (which one daughter was forced to do after coming in second on the mathematics speed test in elementary school), they will do better.

The methods she uses with her daughters and the rules imposed (no sleepovers or playdates, taking them out of school during “fluff days” or recess times to practice the piano or violin, etc.) may sound draconian, and you are welcome, of course, to believe that they are.  As a former principal at a school with a lot of these days, I will vehemently espouse their importance to anyone interested in listening (which would not, this book implies, be Ms. Chua).  Many of the choices she makes are not choices I would make for my own kids.  But I don’t think we can say with such certainty as so many in the media have been saying, that they are the wrong choices.  And I certainly don’t think we can say they are the wrong choices for all kids.  After all, I’ve been in teaching for a long time, and trust me, a lot of our kids could use some parents who don’t take bad grades lightly and will sit down with the kids to make sure the homework gets done.  It’s all a matter of perspective, of course, but there’s probably room in everyone’s parenting style for a little bit of the Tiger.

One of the things the book’s critics often fail to notice is the sheer amount of time and passion Ms. Chua spends with her daughters.  Despite a demanding full-time job, she is there at every piano lesson and violin lesson, scribbling furious notes.  She is there at every practice session—and there are many—they even rent out halls or find closed restaurants with pianos when on vacation, and when she can’t be there, pages and pages of notes are left for the practicing daughter.  In other words, she is not just yelling at her girls to do better.  She is supporting them with every ounce of energy and every spare minute she could possibly have.

Ms. Chua, in the end, is humbled by her younger daughter, a fiery character who does not take her mom’s controlling attitude all that well.  Months, if not years, of bitter, intense struggle end with a dramatic scene in which she tells her daughter it’s okay for her to quit the violin.  Her daughter surprises her by replying that she doesn’t want to quit, just tone it down a little bit.  And then her daughter shows us something that all parents would be proud of–she takes up a new hobby, tennis, and starts to excel, using the habits and dedication she has learned from the Chinese mothering she has fought against.  When Chua questions the coach about her daughter’s success in the sport, the coach tells her something she wasn’t expecting to hear—that her daughter is applying total concentration and ambition, and is quickly climbing up the ladder from rookie to tennis star.  It’s all Amy can do to keep her Chinese parenting ways quiet as she applies herself to learning everything she can about the sport to help her daughter.  But to her credit, she does hold back.  At least most of the time.

This is a mother’s journey we can all learn from.  And a journey we can all relate to.  She believes in her kids.  She loves her kids.  And her kids love her back.  And she gives everything she has to her kids…more energy than I could ever imagine pouring out.  But she also learns from them.  They are a close and loving family, and their story is a beautiful one.

And the part when they get the dogs, something she has clearly stated is NOT a Chinese mother thing to do?  You can almost see the family balance shifting.  And the enormity of this event in their lives is signaled by the book entering a “Part 2.”  I was rolling on the floor with laughter.

Thank you, Amy Chua, for such an inspiring read!

Call Me When You’re Bleeding

We went to the playground today; it was the first day in a long time it was warm enough to do so.  (I had thought when we packed the moving boxes that I was moving to the “sunny” South, but I was actually moving to the freezing-cold-winters/hot-sticky-summers/nice-couple-of-months-in-the-fall-and-spring South.)  But that’s a different story.

Every time we go to the playground, I’m usually shocked by someone’s parenting.  I’m sure they are shocked by mine as well, and they are welcome to blog about it, but this is my podium, so to speak.  Here is what I see all the time: a young child, taking some tentative steps up a ladder or towards a slide, or onto a boulder and the parent snatching them up, explaining how it’s “too dangerous” for them, and re-directing them towards something safer, and usually way more boring.

Now, I know that many of these parents have very opposite (but similarly disapproving) thoughts on my own child-rearing skills because I’ve actually had parents tell my child to be careful or not go too high despite the fact that I was standing right there, obviously the mom, and obviously without any concerns.  Well, it’s not that I don’t have any concerns, it’s just that I weigh them differently.  (For the record, I have never suggested to someone else’s kid that she keep climbing.)  Here’s my version of risk analysis:

1) how likely is he to fall? (I base this on similar falls, similar climbing experiences, or similar feats I’ve seen him accomplish in gymnastics class or on my living room furniture)

2) if he does fall, how likely is he to get hurt? (I base these extraordinarily unprecise calculations on things like the height off the ground, the material said ground is made of, and his position on the apparatus and the body part mostly likely to hit the ground material first)

3) if he does get hurt, how close am I to an ER? (Okay, I don’t actually ask myself that, but it’s possible I should.)

4) How much energy do I have and do I really feel like going over to the monkey bars to rescue him?  (This might indicate a slight downside to my plan, as given this logic he is increasingly likely to fall the more pregnant I get.)

And then here’s the thing: even after judging, I still almost never take him off and redirect.  When I can, I stand underneath, so that my soft, cushiony body will act like the firefighters’ trampoline.  If I can’t do that, I try to support a little bit–hold a foot in place so he’s less likely to slip, etc.  And if I can’t help at all and it really does look too high up with too great a possibility of falling, I resign myself to asking him not to do it (he’s usually figured this out on his own at this point anyway), and try a modified version to increase the likelihood he’ll be able to do it on his own soon.

(For example, I did discourage my 2-year-old from jumping from the side of a high platform in an attempt to reach a pole to slide down.  But I did let him come down to the ground, where I lifted him up to the pole and showed him how to slide down.  He’s still learning, and maybe by the time he feels good at it, he’ll be tall enough to reach out and grab that pole at the top of the platform.  I look forward to that day.)

I certainly don’t think my way is the only way, but I do think parents need to worry a little bit less about their kids.  Specifically, they need to worry a little less about physical danger.  In my world, I worry (perhaps too much) about digital media, screen time, and junk food.  I do this because I’ve been in classrooms with middle schoolers for many years and have yet to see anyone permanently damaged by a playground fall, but have seen many that have suffered the consequences of too much of the stuff I mention above.  So yes, parents, it’s okay to worry.  But think first about what you’re worried about and why.  Ask yourself what your kids would be allowed to do if you weren’t worried about it, and think about the trade-offs.

And that’s all to say that Wendy Mogel is a great author.  Not just because she would agree with me on some of these things, but because she has good, solid advice delivered in about raising kids and how to deal with the mistakes they will inevitably make along the way.  She’s professional, humorous, and knows what she’s talking about.  So here it is.

Title: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children
Author: Wendy Mogel, PhD
Genre: Parenting

Summary and Review:

Ah, the religious disclaimer: Religion tends to be a touchy subject for some people, so I should let you know that the book is written from a “Jewish” perspective.  I put Jewish in quotes because it’s also written from the perspective of a PhD and parenting expert, and I truly believe that everything in the book is universally applicable.  But you should know that she will quote from and refer often to Jewish texts such as the Bible (which of course is also Christian), the Talmud, and others.

If you are Jewish, or religious and not Jewish but open to learning the perspectives of other religions, or even just interested in spirituality and history, then I think these quotes serve as a unique and refreshing perspective through which to look at family life.  She also talks about teaching religion and spirituality to children and how to honor the holy in everyday life.  So, if you believe religion is responsible for all bad things in the world, then you might want to skip this one. 

Topics in the book include honoring each child as their own person (and learning to accept “good enough”), honoring parents (and how parents can better be someone to honor), overprotecting your child (hence my playground story), and many other gems of parenting confident and capable children.

At some point, the baby has to come out

And that’s when you get Dr. Sears’ Birth Book.  Well, actually, it’d be better to get it a few months earlier than that…

Title: The Birth Book
Author: William Sears, M.D. and Martha Sears, R.N.
Genre: Parenting

Summary and Review: If you’ve read my other posts on parenting books, you know that books that don’t yell at me are what I like the best.  This book doesn’t yell, which I appreciate.  I do go back and forth on my feelings about the Sears family and their empire of books.  I think it’s always dangerous when one entity, even if the entity is a whole family not one individual, has so much influence.  Their “Baby Book” which I used as my bible the first year, still really pisses me off in places…but that’s for another post, I suppose.  I really like this book.  The “bias” is toward a natural birth, but the tone of the book is respectful and describes very thoroughly hospital procedures and the role of modern medicine.  And since every other book you read is likely to be hospital-doctor-medication-leaning (unless you are really seeking out a natural or home birth), this is a good one to read some of the other arguments.

They walk a fine line between describing birth as a natural process and talking about a woman’s body as something that is built for birth, rather than something that has to endure it and talking about the modern hospital setting and the things that it has to offer.  In other words, a woman’s body is strong, powerful, and capable and medication or a necessary C-section might make it even better.  As an example, I really liked a line about the use of an epidural–that they have seen an epidural used really well at the end of labor to calm down an anxious mom and help labor progress more quickly as a result.  In other words, while they value natural birth and think it has it advantages for woman and babies, they don’t view women who turn to medication and other intervention as failures.  They view them as women trying to have a baby, which seems logical.

They also talk about C-sections and when they are really necessary.  Now, they don’t really agree with planned C-sections or inductions that aren’t truly indicated, but they do talk about them.  They give a lot of time to VBACs and even talk about home birth VBACs.

Honestly, I don’t think there is much that is likely to happen during a birth that isn’t in some way covered in this book.  I highly recommend.